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definewisdomPart 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
The car journey alternated between companionable and utterly awkward from moment to moment. Merlin got the idea that each conversation the pair of them had wavered on a tightrope, and inevitably, blindfolded as he was, he kept missing his footing and tumbling down into the waiting pit of spikes. He would say something and Arthur would lapse into uncomfortable silence, or glare out of the window venomously, then he would say something else and the pair of them would be back to the relaxed back and forth they had enjoyed at the house.
However, no matter how fraught with unknowable dangers conversation with Arthur was, it was nothing compared to the minefield that was a meeting with Uther Pendragon.
As the pair of them reluctantly got out of the car and Merlin followed Arthur’s steady stride into the studio offices and towards his father’s home away from home, Merlin wished he could be anywhere else but there.
When they entered the office, Uther Pendragon’s back was silhouetted against his floor to ceiling windows, impeccably dressed in a horrendously expensive suit and shoes that had no right to be as well polished as they were. Merlin wondered whether suicide really was painless, because anything would be preferable to waiting for the man to speak.
Uther cut an impressive figure. Unlike many men who, as they approached and made their way through middle age, filled out their waist line and watched as their facial features slid slowly downwards, Uther had kept himself trim. His shoulders were as broad as ever and he seemed to be nothing but pure muscle. It would have been easy to see him as a bouncer at a nightclub rather than the head of a world famous production company, especially with the scar that narrowly missed his right eye.
Merlin had no trouble imagining Arthur’s father as a mob boss, or a pirate captain, or any number of things, nor did he have any trouble reconciling the man’s reputation as a formidable and ruthless business man with his appearance.
At least he was consistent. He was what you saw, there was no pretence. Perhaps it would have been worse if he had looked cuddly or genial and turned out to be the bitter bastard that he was.
There were rumours that, when he had been younger, Uther had been a happy-go-lucky person; the sort of man who petted dogs in the park and smiled at small children. Gaius had mentioned a few times that the man had been more reasonable before. Before his wife had died, that was, leaving Uther alone with a business and a small son and nothing else holding him together.
Merlin tried to feel sorry for him sometimes. He tried really hard. But he was not the sort of person you could feel sorry for. Sympathy of any kind seemed repelled by him, and while Arthur could sometimes pull off the poor motherless child act (not that he ever did it on purpose, he was as touchy about his mother’s death as his father was), Merlin never saw Uther as the grieving widower, not a sympathetic grieving widower, anyway, more of a cold-hearted, single-minded, cynical bastard of a widower.
Uther’s office was designed to keep you off balance as well. There were the huge windows that looked out onto an impressive view and a sudden drop, and the chairs in which you sat were deliberately uncomfortable, although a small part of Merlin’s brain was certain that Uther’s secretary warned him when Merlin was coming so that the man could get out his most torturous furniture.
It took Merlin a moment to realise that Gaius was already there, sitting down and waiting expectantly.
He risked a glance sideways at Arthur and winced internally as he saw just how shuttered off and tense his friend had become.
Uther, when he turned to face them and deigned to speak, was all calculated calm and composure. His voice never raised, and he did not fidget, but in some ways that was worse. Merlin would have preferred it if Uther had yelled at the pair of them, instead of the detached clinical assessment of the situation. When Merlin did something wrong his mother did not hesitate to glare or yell at him, or tell him at length about how what he was doing was wrong. Uther did none of those things. He did not even tell Arthur how disappointed he was, which was another technique Hunith used to her advantage. He merely stated the problems the situation had caused, and that Arthur had displayed poor judgement with Sophia.
It was more like he was reviewing a car than rebuking his son.
Merlin put in a few words in Arthur’s defence, as did Gaius, but after Arthur had interrupted him five times, he gave up and watched the rest of the proceedings in silence.
Finally, Arthur was summarily dismissed from his father’s presence and he stood up to go, Merlin following him.
“Mr Emrys,” Uther’s voice froze him in place and even Arthur looked confused. “If you could stay for a minute.” Merlin walked reluctantly back to his chair, aware of Arthur still lingering in the doorway.
“Father, it was hardly his fault,” Arthur protested, “and he is my employee. Whatever you…”
“Arthur, I am not going to fire him, and you have places to be. I’m sure you can manage without him for five minutes,” Uther said, without even looking at his son. His eyes were glued to Merlin.
“I really…”
“Arthur, you neglected your duties enough over the last couple of months. Please start again as you mean to go on.”
“Yes, Father,” Arthur said, hesitating a moment longer before leaving the room. Merlin could hear the agitation in his footsteps as he walked away.
Uther leaned forward across his desk, one sleeve lifting up to reveal a strip of what looked like solid gold watch.
“All in all,” the man said, staring across at Merlin and Gaius with a gaze that was almost hypnotic. “This incident has actually played out quite well, not that I would tell Arthur that. The publicity has been… astounding.” He smiled a little, making Merlin shift uncomfortably in his seat, wondering if Uther was saying what he thought Uther was saying. He shot a glance at Gaius who looked a little perturbed, but not at all shocked.
“Indeed,” the older man next to him agreed. “The video has brought a lot more interest to this production than it would have otherwise had, even with both Arthur and Miss Le Fay being involved.” Merlin gaped at him.
“Precisely,” Uther continued, “I thought, at first, that this sort of leak would be disastrous, but I have had more interest from investors and reporters in the last three days than in the previous year. If we can bring the release date forward a little bit, and have that Sophia girl at the premiere… perhaps we could arrange a chance meeting for them, somewhere nice and public.”
“I don’t think that would be a good idea,” Merlin said, still staring at Uther in amazement. His son had just had his heart broken and the man wanted to use it to help publicity.
“What is good for the film is good for my son,” Uther told him in a no nonsense tone. “Although Arthur does not always see it that way.” He looked across at Merlin, “it has been said that there is no such thing as bad publicity, this situation has shown me that that may in fact be true. A little more on the subject might not hurt. The public has rallied round Arthur in his moment of need, now that he has made amends. Everyone likes a redeemed man.” Merlin felt a little sick as he listened to Uther continue. “No one likes the woman who tried to destroy him. If only we could get him and Miss Le Fay to see eye to eye again, everyone loves a happy ending. Perhaps you could have a word with him, Mr Emrys, and Miss Le Fay too, Gaius.”
“I don’t think it would work,” Merlin said, “they aren’t…”
“Then make it work, Mr Emrys,” Uther replied simply. “You may go.”
Merlin opened his mouth to speak, but Uther took a file from his desk and seemingly forgot that Merlin or Gaius even existed. He stood, dumbly and walked from the office, trying to ignore the fact that he was completely confused.
***
Merlin stolidly refused to mention Uther’s suggestion to Arthur in any way, shape or form, despite Gaius’ cajoling and insistence that it wasn’t real, just a possibility. After all, what better way to recover from the Sophia situation than to get the golden couple of Camelot Industries back together?
Merlin reminded him about what had happened the last time the pair of them had gone anywhere near a relationship together, and what exactly Arthur had said on that film.
Gaius had nodded sagely, before hurrying off with the words ‘nothing’s truly impossible if you put your mind to it,’ floating behind him. Merlin groaned. He always forgot that Gaius worked directly for Uther. He was a publicist for the studio, not for Arthur, although he tended to help out no matter what when Merlin phoned him up. But there were times when he thought that the man was almost as ruthless as his employer.
Life with Arthur fell back almost into what it used to be: the actor was an insufferable prat, Merlin told him he was an insufferable prat, Arthur told Merlin that he was an idiot and Merlin would phone Gwen or Will from time to time to complain.
Except it wasn’t that simple anymore. Arthur was still an insufferable prat, but the moments of genuine kindness and humanity had increased, so that they showed even when he was being a git. The insults he shot at Merlin now were edged with affectionate amusement all the time, none of them was intended as any sort of criticism, and Merlin even found that Arthur would talk to him, about his mother or Will. The star had begun to show an interest in his life.
That in itself would not be so hard to understand. After all, now that Arthur knew that Merlin had a family and had not just sprung fully formed from the ground one day, his ultimate destiny in life to be Arthur’s personal slave, it only made sense that he would ask about it. It was the changes that Merlin found in himself that were more worrying.
He had thought that he had been in the worst possible situation, loving the unattainable Arthur from as close by as possible. But if anything, the recent events had served to make him more in love with the man. When Merlin called him an insufferable prat he still meant it, but he would not have changed it for the world, and every time Arthur touched him, even lightly, he wanted to slam him up against the nearest wall and do things that would make him forget that Sophia ever existed. That last part was not really new, but it was surprisingly stronger than it had been.
Not to mention the conversations with Will. They were still laden with their usual suggestion and innuendo, but his childhood friend seemed to have stepped back a bit, and Merlin tried not to read too much into that. There were no suggestions of Will coming up to see him, or him taking an evening to meet up with Will. The conversation was just as confident and comfortable as ever, but if he ever strayed too close, then Will would deftly guide him away.
It all came to a head two weeks later.
Arthur had been even stranger than usual around him all day, staring at Merlin’s back when he did not think the other man was looking, muttering phrases under his breath that Merlin could not quite catch. He even went out of his way to have a conversation with Morgana all by himself, which even seemed quite polite from where Merlin was standing (an entire room away, where Arthur had told him to stay because he wanted to talk in private with Morgana). But the pair of them kept shooting looks over at him, which made him entirely paranoid. When Uther walked in and caught sight of the pair of them, he gave Merlin a rare, chilly, smile before walking off again. After he had gone, however, the conversation went downhill, Morgana’s face hardening and the two of them beginning to argue in agitated whispers until Morgana stormed out of the room, leaving Arthur staring sullenly after her.
It was not until the evening, when Merlin and Arthur were walking back to their rooms, falling automatically into step with each other as Merlin recited tomorrow’s itinerary, that everything came crashing together in one strangely awkward and devastatingly wonderful moment.
“And of course, we’re going to have to fit in that meeting about the DVD commentary for the special edition release between lunch and the afternoon’s shooting, which is supposed to start at three, but you know they’ll never be ready on time, because they never are, and you said something about starting therapy again, so we should really contact Doctor…”
Arthur grabbed hold of his shoulder and pulled him round.
“Merlin,” he said, with a small smirk. “This is my room.”
Merlin blinked at the number on the door in incomprehension for a few long seconds, before realising that the general unsettling nature of the day had caused him to babble. It was understandable, of course, anyone would babble if they were suddenly faced with Arthur Pendragon staring at them.
“Sorry,” he said, nodding to himself. “So, I’ll see you at seven tomorrow?”
“Merlin,” Arthur repeated his name, drawing it out in a familiar amused drawl.
“What’s wrong with you anyway?” Merlin asked, suddenly. He had never beat around the bush with Arthur before (except on the subject of his gayness and that whole thing where he was terribly in love with the obnoxious berk) so he did not see why he should start now. “You’ve been acting weird all day.”
“Merlin,” Arthur said again, with an exasperated sigh. Then, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, he just leaned over and kissed Merlin. Right there, in the corridor, in full view of anyone who cared to pass by – never mind that the hotel was entirely booked by cast and crew – Arthur Pendragon was kissing him.
Merlin thought that maybe his heart stopped beating for a minute, or maybe the world had gone crazy, or perhaps he had missed March entirely and it had skipped straight to April Fools’ Day because Arthur bloody Pendragon, star of The Moment of Truth, and Valiant, and all those other films that he had watched a million times, was kissing him quite certainly and surely (and without a hint of alcohol on his breath which would have made the whole situation a lot more understandable - in fact, his breath tasted of spearmint, which implied that this had been planned, something that Merlin could not even consider) and he was not dreaming.
Arthur drew away and looked down the corridor, still the soul of composure as Merlin was left gaping stupidly at him.
The only sound Merlin could make as Arthur gave him a (very smug) smile was something that sounded a lot like gnergle.
“Articulate as usual,” the star commented dryly.
“You…” Merlin began, but the sentence refused to form on his lips and Arthur’s smirk grew. But before he could try to deflate the man’s ego, Arthur had slipped his key card into the door lock and was pushing his way into the hotel suite, tugging Merlin after him. “I…”
As soon as the door clicked shut behind them and Merlin stared at it completely dumbly – his brain was still stuck on the Arthur kissed me part of the evening – Arthur was pulling Merlin towards him until their bodies were flush against each other.
“Arthur,” Merlin said, trying to hold onto his one last piece of reason as it began to flee from his brain. “We…” Arthur was leaning in, still smirking, the bastard, and Merlin’s train of thought was completely derailed as his eyes lost focus on Arthur’s face.
Then they were kissing again, and all thought of reason or explanation or reality left Merlin completely behind, fading away until all he was left with was Arthur, warm and solid, not the phantom of a dream or the glossy 2D of a poster. Real. There were hands and lips and a tongue, and he realised that the hands were pulling his clothes off at about the same moment as he realised his hands were busy divesting Arthur of his clothes as well.
There was stumbling, but Merlin had no idea where they were or where they were going. He was lost in a haze of complete astonishment and shock, working on autopilot. Until, as he tilted backwards onto something with springy give, he gave up on trying to piece it all together and decided to just go along with whatever was about to happen.
***
Merlin woke up first. The fuzziness of sleep departing to leave him with the firm knowledge that no, that had not been a dream and yes, the heavy, warm mass squashing his right side into the mattress was Arthur Pendragon, his boss, friend and crush of almost seven years.
He stared at Arthur’s face, relaxed in sleep, trying not to remember what Will had told him, but unable to forget it.
Then he realised he was staring at Arthur with a soppy great smile on his face and the next words that came out of his mouth made a lot more sense.
“Oh bugger.”
Because that was when there was no turning back.
***
As soon as his own door closed behind him and he was faced with his own messy room, he grabbed his phone from his pocket and hit speed-dial for the only person he could really talk to about this.
“Merlin? ” Gwen asked sleepily from the other end of the line.
“Shit,” he replied. “Buggering fucking shit, Gwen, and sod, and fucking buggery and… Damn and…”
“Merlin?! ” She sounded more awake then, concerned, and Merlin realised that without the context his list of expletives could mean a lot of things, but the words he needed to say just were not coming out. If he said them then it would all be all too real and then it really would be buggered. He let out a piteous moan and swore again. “What’s the matter? What did you do? What did Arthur do? Oh god! Who’s dead? Did you kill Arthur? Did Uther kill Arthur? Did Arthur attack you with a low flying vase that you couldn’t quite duck in time? Merlin? Merlin! Answer me, for God’s sake! ” He could hear the panic growing in her voice as the questions tumbled out, one falling over the next in her haste to ask them. In the background there were the muffled noises of her fiancée sitting up and asking what was going on.
“He kissed me,” he said slowly, and he waited for that to sink in.
“Oh…” she said after a moment. “Arthur kissed… we are talking about Arthur, right? I mean, I thought we were talking about Arthur, but I suppose it could be anyone. It wasn’t Uther was it? ”
“God no!” Merlin spat out quickly. “No, no and thrice no. And may I add a Huuurgh to that for good measure. No… we’re talking about Arthur.”
“Arthur kissed you? ” Gwen repeated, falling back into the slight slur of the recently awakened. “That’s nice. ”
“No it’s not,” Merlin corrected immediately. “It’s terrible.” There was another long pause.
“Oh… that would explain the swearing, ” she said. “Why is it terrible? ”
“Because I’m in love with him,” Merlin explained, aware that he was not making much sense, but sense was not really the most important thing in his mind at that point.
“Mmhm, ” Gwen murmured. “I still can’t see the terrible part. ”
“And he’s straight,” Merlin continued, “and now he knows that I’m in love with him and, aargh.We…”
“Merlin? ” she asked.
“Oh fuck it all to hell,” he muttered.
“What aren’t you telling me? ” she asked curiously down the line.
“I… we…” Merlin groaned. “We had sex, Gwen. I bloody well went and bloody slept with him and now I’ve screwed everything up.”
“You and Arthur had sex?” she asked. “But he’s straight. ”
“I know!” Merlin groaned again. “That’s what I just said. “I slept with Arthur and he’s straight and it’s all fucked up!”
“But he can’t be straight if he slept with you, ” she reasoned.
“He’s straight, Gwen,” Merlin repeated, “I walked in on him and Morgana often enough to know that.”
“Oh… yes, ” she said, and Merlin knew she had done something similar herself several times. “Well, maybe he’s bi. ”
“And maybe the Pope’s a Buddhist,” Merlin said sarcastically. “I know Arthur, Gwen. He’s a prat. A selfish bastard and he’ll go for anything if he thinks it’s interesting. I love him, but he’s completely self-absorbed.” He paused. “He’s the kind of person who’ll think something idly and then do it just because he can. He found out I’m gay and he wanted to find out if he could… He just wanted to prove that he could do it if he wanted to. It was just sodding curiosity, Gwen, and I can’t do it anymore.”
“Merlin… maybe you’re being a little hard on him, ” Gwen said slowly, but she did not sound convinced.
“Stop playing devil’s advocate,” Merlin told her, taking a deep breath. “You know what he’s like as well as I do. Just like Morgana. I’m not saying they’re not good people, it’s just, they like to get their own way. They like to be the centre of attention and if they aren’t, they’ll do anything to get back there.”
“Perhaps you should calm down a bit, and think this through…” Gwen said, pleading. “Talk to Arthur at least, ask him what it was about. ”
“I already know what it was about,” Merlin replied.
“Did he tell you that? ” she asked.
“No, but…”
“Then you don’t know, ” she insisted. “I think you should just talk to him. Don’t do anything stupid. Not that I think you would… but just in case. ”
“I can’t do it anymore, Gwen,” he said with a sigh.
“Talk to him, Merlin, ” she insisted. “I’ll see you later. ” Then she hung up and he was left alone in his hotel suite in the dark, the memory of Arthur still echoing on his body.
“Right...” he said, nodding to himself.
That was when the knock came at the door.
He crossed over to open it without even thinking, still trying to think of some explanation that made sense for what had just happened.
Arthur was standing on the other side of the door. He looked more than a little confused.
“Oh God,” Merlin said. Arthur’s hair was still a bit of a mess and honestly, he wondered why the make-up people spent two hours trying to give him that look of just fucked fuckability when all they really had to do was wait for him to sleep with someone and then drag him out of bed. Maybe Merlin was biased, though, because Arthur’s hair wasn’t perfectly mussed, a clump just above his right temple stood to attention, and his right cheek was vividly red where he had been lying on it.
“Merlin… ” Arthur began. Merlin had a sudden moment of premonition, not that he believed in those things but, as Arthur was opening his mouth he knew how it was all going to go. Arthur was going to pass it off as something that people did every now and then, and Merlin would laugh and go along with it. Then they would go to the set and have the lunchtime meetings about the DVD commentary, the evening phone calls would come about the poster session, or a possible photo shoot with third world children with cancer and reading difficulties who were virtuoso piano players or some such thing. Everything would be normal and so it would continue.
Merlin would feed Arthur and clothe Arthur and take phone calls for Arthur and generally run his life and he would always be waiting for it to happen again because it had happened once, so there was always a possibility – right? And maybe it would happen again, but in between there’d be all the Sophias and the Morganas… oh right, not the Morganas, because there wasn’t anyone else like Morgana in the entire world. But there would be women and possibly men if Arthur had decided he was bi after all. He would spend all his life waiting on Arthur bloody Pendragon and he would never have a fucking life of his own and…
But the sex had been good, mind-blowing good. Admittedly, there had been fumbling and Arthur had fallen out of bed that one time… and Merlin had whacked his head against the wall and it had been fast and messy and he had had to explain how things worked, but it had been him and Arthur… He knew that there was a bite mark on his left hip, and he could feel the memory of Arthur’s mouth and fingers tingling down his body.
He shook his head, to throw the sensation off. Will was right, not that he would ever say that to his face, but his life had turned into an extension of Arthur’s and he was sick of it.
“I don’t think we were…” Arthur continued, but Merlin interrupted him quickly, the words spurting out of him before he could over think.
“I quit,” he said.
“…Finishe… what?” Arthur broke off and stared at him, looking utterly flabbergasted for the first time in all the years Merlin had known him.
“I quit, Arthur. Thanks… for the job and… everything, but I can’t do this anymore. Sorry. I… have to go. I’ll work the rest of the week if you want me to.” Merlin gritted his teeth at the thought, standing around, talking at Arthur, smiling at Arthur.
“You’re resigning?” Arthur asked.
“That’s what the words ‘I quit’ usually mean,” Merlin said, trying to avoid Arthur’s eyes as they stared at him, still cloudy in confusion.
“Why?” Merlin opened his mouth, but no sound came out for a moment. He paused, to take a deep breath before trying again.
“Because… Arthur. I’m not here to be your fuck buddy,” he said. He wanted to say a lot more. Like tell Arthur that he was hopelessly and terribly in love with him, in the way that teenage girls who watched his films would go home and dream about. He wanted to tell him that he had imagined that moment for years, the two of them suddenly reaching for each other. There were so many words tumbling over in his mind. He wanted to tell Arthur what a complete prat he was, but that it was okay, because he was stupid enough to love him anyway or maybe because of the prattishness, and that he loved him in a way that made him angry, and sad and fucking irate some days.
But he didn’t say any of it, because he still had a little bit of pride, even if he had spent the previous night on his back with his legs spread, begging. There was also the fact that he was not an enormous girl, no matter what Will said, and the fact that he had been around the film industry long enough to hate clichés, and yelling out an admission of love in a hotel room after a night of meaningless (on one side, at least) sex was too big a cliché even for him.
He slammed the door in Arthur’s face and told himself that crying was a bad idea because girls cried and Merlin was unequivocally not a girl – as had been very much proven the night before, thank you very much. So he did not cry, not even a little bit. Then, when he had not cried for a good few seconds, although there had been a few moments of broken breathing – because he was angry damn it! He grabbed his phone and he called Will.
“Morning sunshine,” Will answered, sounding like he was probably just about to have a killer hangover. Part of Merlin hoped that it hurt like hell, because somehow, someway, this was all his sodding fault.
“I quit,” he said quietly. “Just now.” There was a moment of stunned silence, but Merlin couldn’t quite tell which end of the line was more stunned.
“You what? ” Will asked, the slur of alcohol gone from his voice.
“I quit.”
“Wait a minute, wait a minute… how? ” Will said, “Let’s just skip back to before that, okay and talk me through what the hell you were thinking. ”
“Does it even matter?” Merlin asked, not wanted to go into that with Will of all people. “You told me I should quit. You’ve been telling me for three years that I should quit. Now I’ve done it. That’s that, end of story… happy?”
“Are you? ”
“Just come and pick me up, you prick. I told Arthur I’d finish out the week, but I don’t think he’s going to want me to after I just chewed him out.”
“You yelled at Arthur? ”
“Come and pick me up and I’ll tell you on the way. You don’t have work this morning, right?”
“I’ll take it off, ” Will said blithely. “I’ll be there in an hour, and you are telling me everything, Merlin. Understand? Everything.”
“I’ll meet you out front.” Merlin told him, before hanging up.
It took a depressingly short time for Merlin to pack all the things he wanted up. His entire life had been cut down to what he could carry in two (or possibly three) bags for the past three years, and that tended to help avoid clutter. He left the files containing Arthur’s entire life, after all the moron was going to need some kind of indicator of where to go when, and he left, a little regretfully, the Arthur doll Gwen had given him, with the pins still stuck into him. He tried to remind himself not to feel upset.
It was just a hotel room, after all, not a home; it was just a job.
He refused to look back one last time before he opened the door and shuffled out into the corridor with his two bags and his oversized comedy coat, as Arthur had taken to calling it. He just wanted to get out of there and avoid ever seeing Arthur again. Not that that would be possible – the problem with falling into tragic unrequited love with a film star was their face was everywhere. But if he could leave without seeing the man in person, that would be a start.
Apparently Arthur felt no such compunctions, though. He was sitting with his back against his door, knees drawn up to his chest, staring down at his hands in bemusement. Merlin could tell from the way his hair still stuck up and the creases in his t-shirt that he had been out there since their one sided conversation earlier.
“So, you’re really going then,” the star said, without looking up.
“Yes.”
“Right… well,” Arthur pushed himself upright. “Good luck. I’ll send you your references.”
“Worst personal assistant ever,” Merlin hazarded, risking a smile, but Arthur still didn’t look at him, and it slowly fell.
“Something like that…” They paused for a moment, Arthur staring at the artistic watercolour of a field on the opposite wall and Merlin trying desperately to come up with some way of saying goodbye.
In the end he settled with holding out the overstuffed Date book, which he had been using to run Arthur’s life. He coughed slightly under his breath and waited for the blond to reluctantly take it.
“You’ve got to get to filming in thirty minutes, you know,” he said, awkwardly. “And I’ve planned everything I can in that. The next guy, or girl… maybe you’ll want a change, I don’t know. They should be able to figure everything out, and Gwen and Gaius can usually understand my short hand if they get confused. Just make sure you don’t get someone who’ll pander to your every whim, okay?”
“Merlin…”
“Right, I’m an idiot,” he filled in the blanks with a wonky smile. “Tell Morgana good bye and… remember not to miss your appointment with your father. He’ll flay me alive if you miss it, whether I work for you or not.”
“Like I’d miss that,” Arthur said, actually glancing over at him for a split second before flinching away. “Right… well you’d better go, hadn’t you?”
“Uh, yeah,” Merlin checked his watch. “Will’ll be waiting.”
“Will?” Arthur’s head snapped round, his blue eyes fixing on Merlin with an intensity that was increased by the fact that he had barely been looking at him before. For a second Merlin’s mind flashed back to the previous night, but the harsh glare of Arthur’s eyes in daylight was a far cry from the look of them in the dim light the night before.
“Yeah, I called him for a lift.”
“Of course you did…” Arthur sounded like he was going to say more, but he cut himself off, returning to staring off at the picture.
“Anyway… thanks,” Merlin stood awkwardly for another second, then in a rush, Arthur stuck out his hand. Gratefully his ex personal assistant took it and they shook, short and firm.
“Don’t do anything stupid, alright,” Arthur warned him.
“Same to you,” Merlin shot back, pulling back his hand before he ignored Arthur’s words and gave him a goodbye kiss or something. “See you around.”
“Yeah,” Arthur replied, even though there was no way they would. With the exception of seeking each other out, their lives would not exactly coincide.
*
Will was waiting in the lobby, reading a pamphlet on one of the many wonderful attractions in the nearby area. He didn’t seem that impressed.
“Let’s go,” Merlin said, in lieu of a greeting. His childhood friend started, not having heard him come up behind him, before turning to look at him with a searching gaze that only someone who had known you your entire life could give.
“You okay?”
“We’ll talk about it in the car,” Merlin said, as blankly as he could manage. Will did not even question him, which was the most bizarre thing he had ever encountered. There was nothing there but worry and sympathy. It was wrong, as though someone had put their friendship (his life) in a snowstorm and shaken it up until everything was the wrong way round. Will was the friend he fucked on occasion, Arthur was the standoffish one and he would never, in a million years, quit his job.
But he had.
The car was nearby and as he was getting into it, his phone rang.
“Merlin… tell me you didn’t…” Gwen’s voice said down the line. “What happened? What did Arthur say? ”
“Gwen… I’m sorry, I have to go.”
“You don’t have to do anything, Merlin, ” she told him earnestly down the phone. “These things can sort themselves out. ”
“Don’t you think it’s a little beyond that?” Merlin asked, sliding into the passenger seat and clicking his seatbelt into place as Will turned the ignition.
“Look, Arthur likes you, you know he does. He actually treated you like a human being. ”
“When he felt like it.”
“Well… he is Arthur, ” Gwen allowed, “oh… I’ve got to go, Morgana’s calling me. I’ll talk to you later, alright? ”
“Sure, Gwen.” Merlin allowed, listening as she hung up the phone, but keeping his own glued to his ear for a few moments, trying to delay the inevitable.
“What the fuck happened?” Will asked, before the phone was even at Merlin’s shoulder. “What did he do?”
“I slept with him,” Merlin said simply, “and then I couldn’t do it any more.” That took the wind out of Will’s sails. He blinked rapidly for a moment, and Merlin could practically hear the cogs whirring in his brain. Any second now the question ‘was he any good?’ would come out of his mouth.
“Well that was a damn fool thing to do…” Will announced, going completely off script and leaving Merlin struggling to keep up.
“It’s not like I was intending to sleep with him…” he protested. “He was just there.”
“Like me, then?” Will asked, sounding surprisingly catty for someone who had rejected all possible connections of effeminacy with being gay.
“What…?” Merlin asked, opening his mouth and shutting it again over and over, as though he was gaping for air. “Will, I never... You were never… When did this become about us?”
“Never mind, Merlin.” Will said with a shake of his head. “You’re a prat, you know that?”
“I thought Arthur was the prat…” Merlin said slowly.
“Well, maybe you both are. Must be why you’re so perfect for each other.”
“Will. ”
“Fine, I’ll shut up, but you’re still an idiot.”
***
Final Part
-
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
The car journey alternated between companionable and utterly awkward from moment to moment. Merlin got the idea that each conversation the pair of them had wavered on a tightrope, and inevitably, blindfolded as he was, he kept missing his footing and tumbling down into the waiting pit of spikes. He would say something and Arthur would lapse into uncomfortable silence, or glare out of the window venomously, then he would say something else and the pair of them would be back to the relaxed back and forth they had enjoyed at the house.
However, no matter how fraught with unknowable dangers conversation with Arthur was, it was nothing compared to the minefield that was a meeting with Uther Pendragon.
As the pair of them reluctantly got out of the car and Merlin followed Arthur’s steady stride into the studio offices and towards his father’s home away from home, Merlin wished he could be anywhere else but there.
When they entered the office, Uther Pendragon’s back was silhouetted against his floor to ceiling windows, impeccably dressed in a horrendously expensive suit and shoes that had no right to be as well polished as they were. Merlin wondered whether suicide really was painless, because anything would be preferable to waiting for the man to speak.
Uther cut an impressive figure. Unlike many men who, as they approached and made their way through middle age, filled out their waist line and watched as their facial features slid slowly downwards, Uther had kept himself trim. His shoulders were as broad as ever and he seemed to be nothing but pure muscle. It would have been easy to see him as a bouncer at a nightclub rather than the head of a world famous production company, especially with the scar that narrowly missed his right eye.
Merlin had no trouble imagining Arthur’s father as a mob boss, or a pirate captain, or any number of things, nor did he have any trouble reconciling the man’s reputation as a formidable and ruthless business man with his appearance.
At least he was consistent. He was what you saw, there was no pretence. Perhaps it would have been worse if he had looked cuddly or genial and turned out to be the bitter bastard that he was.
There were rumours that, when he had been younger, Uther had been a happy-go-lucky person; the sort of man who petted dogs in the park and smiled at small children. Gaius had mentioned a few times that the man had been more reasonable before. Before his wife had died, that was, leaving Uther alone with a business and a small son and nothing else holding him together.
Merlin tried to feel sorry for him sometimes. He tried really hard. But he was not the sort of person you could feel sorry for. Sympathy of any kind seemed repelled by him, and while Arthur could sometimes pull off the poor motherless child act (not that he ever did it on purpose, he was as touchy about his mother’s death as his father was), Merlin never saw Uther as the grieving widower, not a sympathetic grieving widower, anyway, more of a cold-hearted, single-minded, cynical bastard of a widower.
Uther’s office was designed to keep you off balance as well. There were the huge windows that looked out onto an impressive view and a sudden drop, and the chairs in which you sat were deliberately uncomfortable, although a small part of Merlin’s brain was certain that Uther’s secretary warned him when Merlin was coming so that the man could get out his most torturous furniture.
It took Merlin a moment to realise that Gaius was already there, sitting down and waiting expectantly.
He risked a glance sideways at Arthur and winced internally as he saw just how shuttered off and tense his friend had become.
Uther, when he turned to face them and deigned to speak, was all calculated calm and composure. His voice never raised, and he did not fidget, but in some ways that was worse. Merlin would have preferred it if Uther had yelled at the pair of them, instead of the detached clinical assessment of the situation. When Merlin did something wrong his mother did not hesitate to glare or yell at him, or tell him at length about how what he was doing was wrong. Uther did none of those things. He did not even tell Arthur how disappointed he was, which was another technique Hunith used to her advantage. He merely stated the problems the situation had caused, and that Arthur had displayed poor judgement with Sophia.
It was more like he was reviewing a car than rebuking his son.
Merlin put in a few words in Arthur’s defence, as did Gaius, but after Arthur had interrupted him five times, he gave up and watched the rest of the proceedings in silence.
Finally, Arthur was summarily dismissed from his father’s presence and he stood up to go, Merlin following him.
“Mr Emrys,” Uther’s voice froze him in place and even Arthur looked confused. “If you could stay for a minute.” Merlin walked reluctantly back to his chair, aware of Arthur still lingering in the doorway.
“Father, it was hardly his fault,” Arthur protested, “and he is my employee. Whatever you…”
“Arthur, I am not going to fire him, and you have places to be. I’m sure you can manage without him for five minutes,” Uther said, without even looking at his son. His eyes were glued to Merlin.
“I really…”
“Arthur, you neglected your duties enough over the last couple of months. Please start again as you mean to go on.”
“Yes, Father,” Arthur said, hesitating a moment longer before leaving the room. Merlin could hear the agitation in his footsteps as he walked away.
Uther leaned forward across his desk, one sleeve lifting up to reveal a strip of what looked like solid gold watch.
“All in all,” the man said, staring across at Merlin and Gaius with a gaze that was almost hypnotic. “This incident has actually played out quite well, not that I would tell Arthur that. The publicity has been… astounding.” He smiled a little, making Merlin shift uncomfortably in his seat, wondering if Uther was saying what he thought Uther was saying. He shot a glance at Gaius who looked a little perturbed, but not at all shocked.
“Indeed,” the older man next to him agreed. “The video has brought a lot more interest to this production than it would have otherwise had, even with both Arthur and Miss Le Fay being involved.” Merlin gaped at him.
“Precisely,” Uther continued, “I thought, at first, that this sort of leak would be disastrous, but I have had more interest from investors and reporters in the last three days than in the previous year. If we can bring the release date forward a little bit, and have that Sophia girl at the premiere… perhaps we could arrange a chance meeting for them, somewhere nice and public.”
“I don’t think that would be a good idea,” Merlin said, still staring at Uther in amazement. His son had just had his heart broken and the man wanted to use it to help publicity.
“What is good for the film is good for my son,” Uther told him in a no nonsense tone. “Although Arthur does not always see it that way.” He looked across at Merlin, “it has been said that there is no such thing as bad publicity, this situation has shown me that that may in fact be true. A little more on the subject might not hurt. The public has rallied round Arthur in his moment of need, now that he has made amends. Everyone likes a redeemed man.” Merlin felt a little sick as he listened to Uther continue. “No one likes the woman who tried to destroy him. If only we could get him and Miss Le Fay to see eye to eye again, everyone loves a happy ending. Perhaps you could have a word with him, Mr Emrys, and Miss Le Fay too, Gaius.”
“I don’t think it would work,” Merlin said, “they aren’t…”
“Then make it work, Mr Emrys,” Uther replied simply. “You may go.”
Merlin opened his mouth to speak, but Uther took a file from his desk and seemingly forgot that Merlin or Gaius even existed. He stood, dumbly and walked from the office, trying to ignore the fact that he was completely confused.
***
Merlin stolidly refused to mention Uther’s suggestion to Arthur in any way, shape or form, despite Gaius’ cajoling and insistence that it wasn’t real, just a possibility. After all, what better way to recover from the Sophia situation than to get the golden couple of Camelot Industries back together?
Merlin reminded him about what had happened the last time the pair of them had gone anywhere near a relationship together, and what exactly Arthur had said on that film.
Gaius had nodded sagely, before hurrying off with the words ‘nothing’s truly impossible if you put your mind to it,’ floating behind him. Merlin groaned. He always forgot that Gaius worked directly for Uther. He was a publicist for the studio, not for Arthur, although he tended to help out no matter what when Merlin phoned him up. But there were times when he thought that the man was almost as ruthless as his employer.
Life with Arthur fell back almost into what it used to be: the actor was an insufferable prat, Merlin told him he was an insufferable prat, Arthur told Merlin that he was an idiot and Merlin would phone Gwen or Will from time to time to complain.
Except it wasn’t that simple anymore. Arthur was still an insufferable prat, but the moments of genuine kindness and humanity had increased, so that they showed even when he was being a git. The insults he shot at Merlin now were edged with affectionate amusement all the time, none of them was intended as any sort of criticism, and Merlin even found that Arthur would talk to him, about his mother or Will. The star had begun to show an interest in his life.
That in itself would not be so hard to understand. After all, now that Arthur knew that Merlin had a family and had not just sprung fully formed from the ground one day, his ultimate destiny in life to be Arthur’s personal slave, it only made sense that he would ask about it. It was the changes that Merlin found in himself that were more worrying.
He had thought that he had been in the worst possible situation, loving the unattainable Arthur from as close by as possible. But if anything, the recent events had served to make him more in love with the man. When Merlin called him an insufferable prat he still meant it, but he would not have changed it for the world, and every time Arthur touched him, even lightly, he wanted to slam him up against the nearest wall and do things that would make him forget that Sophia ever existed. That last part was not really new, but it was surprisingly stronger than it had been.
Not to mention the conversations with Will. They were still laden with their usual suggestion and innuendo, but his childhood friend seemed to have stepped back a bit, and Merlin tried not to read too much into that. There were no suggestions of Will coming up to see him, or him taking an evening to meet up with Will. The conversation was just as confident and comfortable as ever, but if he ever strayed too close, then Will would deftly guide him away.
It all came to a head two weeks later.
Arthur had been even stranger than usual around him all day, staring at Merlin’s back when he did not think the other man was looking, muttering phrases under his breath that Merlin could not quite catch. He even went out of his way to have a conversation with Morgana all by himself, which even seemed quite polite from where Merlin was standing (an entire room away, where Arthur had told him to stay because he wanted to talk in private with Morgana). But the pair of them kept shooting looks over at him, which made him entirely paranoid. When Uther walked in and caught sight of the pair of them, he gave Merlin a rare, chilly, smile before walking off again. After he had gone, however, the conversation went downhill, Morgana’s face hardening and the two of them beginning to argue in agitated whispers until Morgana stormed out of the room, leaving Arthur staring sullenly after her.
It was not until the evening, when Merlin and Arthur were walking back to their rooms, falling automatically into step with each other as Merlin recited tomorrow’s itinerary, that everything came crashing together in one strangely awkward and devastatingly wonderful moment.
“And of course, we’re going to have to fit in that meeting about the DVD commentary for the special edition release between lunch and the afternoon’s shooting, which is supposed to start at three, but you know they’ll never be ready on time, because they never are, and you said something about starting therapy again, so we should really contact Doctor…”
Arthur grabbed hold of his shoulder and pulled him round.
“Merlin,” he said, with a small smirk. “This is my room.”
Merlin blinked at the number on the door in incomprehension for a few long seconds, before realising that the general unsettling nature of the day had caused him to babble. It was understandable, of course, anyone would babble if they were suddenly faced with Arthur Pendragon staring at them.
“Sorry,” he said, nodding to himself. “So, I’ll see you at seven tomorrow?”
“Merlin,” Arthur repeated his name, drawing it out in a familiar amused drawl.
“What’s wrong with you anyway?” Merlin asked, suddenly. He had never beat around the bush with Arthur before (except on the subject of his gayness and that whole thing where he was terribly in love with the obnoxious berk) so he did not see why he should start now. “You’ve been acting weird all day.”
“Merlin,” Arthur said again, with an exasperated sigh. Then, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, he just leaned over and kissed Merlin. Right there, in the corridor, in full view of anyone who cared to pass by – never mind that the hotel was entirely booked by cast and crew – Arthur Pendragon was kissing him.
Merlin thought that maybe his heart stopped beating for a minute, or maybe the world had gone crazy, or perhaps he had missed March entirely and it had skipped straight to April Fools’ Day because Arthur bloody Pendragon, star of The Moment of Truth, and Valiant, and all those other films that he had watched a million times, was kissing him quite certainly and surely (and without a hint of alcohol on his breath which would have made the whole situation a lot more understandable - in fact, his breath tasted of spearmint, which implied that this had been planned, something that Merlin could not even consider) and he was not dreaming.
Arthur drew away and looked down the corridor, still the soul of composure as Merlin was left gaping stupidly at him.
The only sound Merlin could make as Arthur gave him a (very smug) smile was something that sounded a lot like gnergle.
“Articulate as usual,” the star commented dryly.
“You…” Merlin began, but the sentence refused to form on his lips and Arthur’s smirk grew. But before he could try to deflate the man’s ego, Arthur had slipped his key card into the door lock and was pushing his way into the hotel suite, tugging Merlin after him. “I…”
As soon as the door clicked shut behind them and Merlin stared at it completely dumbly – his brain was still stuck on the Arthur kissed me part of the evening – Arthur was pulling Merlin towards him until their bodies were flush against each other.
“Arthur,” Merlin said, trying to hold onto his one last piece of reason as it began to flee from his brain. “We…” Arthur was leaning in, still smirking, the bastard, and Merlin’s train of thought was completely derailed as his eyes lost focus on Arthur’s face.
Then they were kissing again, and all thought of reason or explanation or reality left Merlin completely behind, fading away until all he was left with was Arthur, warm and solid, not the phantom of a dream or the glossy 2D of a poster. Real. There were hands and lips and a tongue, and he realised that the hands were pulling his clothes off at about the same moment as he realised his hands were busy divesting Arthur of his clothes as well.
There was stumbling, but Merlin had no idea where they were or where they were going. He was lost in a haze of complete astonishment and shock, working on autopilot. Until, as he tilted backwards onto something with springy give, he gave up on trying to piece it all together and decided to just go along with whatever was about to happen.
***
Merlin woke up first. The fuzziness of sleep departing to leave him with the firm knowledge that no, that had not been a dream and yes, the heavy, warm mass squashing his right side into the mattress was Arthur Pendragon, his boss, friend and crush of almost seven years.
He stared at Arthur’s face, relaxed in sleep, trying not to remember what Will had told him, but unable to forget it.
Then he realised he was staring at Arthur with a soppy great smile on his face and the next words that came out of his mouth made a lot more sense.
“Oh bugger.”
Because that was when there was no turning back.
***
As soon as his own door closed behind him and he was faced with his own messy room, he grabbed his phone from his pocket and hit speed-dial for the only person he could really talk to about this.
“Merlin? ” Gwen asked sleepily from the other end of the line.
“Shit,” he replied. “Buggering fucking shit, Gwen, and sod, and fucking buggery and… Damn and…”
“Merlin?! ” She sounded more awake then, concerned, and Merlin realised that without the context his list of expletives could mean a lot of things, but the words he needed to say just were not coming out. If he said them then it would all be all too real and then it really would be buggered. He let out a piteous moan and swore again. “What’s the matter? What did you do? What did Arthur do? Oh god! Who’s dead? Did you kill Arthur? Did Uther kill Arthur? Did Arthur attack you with a low flying vase that you couldn’t quite duck in time? Merlin? Merlin! Answer me, for God’s sake! ” He could hear the panic growing in her voice as the questions tumbled out, one falling over the next in her haste to ask them. In the background there were the muffled noises of her fiancée sitting up and asking what was going on.
“He kissed me,” he said slowly, and he waited for that to sink in.
“Oh…” she said after a moment. “Arthur kissed… we are talking about Arthur, right? I mean, I thought we were talking about Arthur, but I suppose it could be anyone. It wasn’t Uther was it? ”
“God no!” Merlin spat out quickly. “No, no and thrice no. And may I add a Huuurgh to that for good measure. No… we’re talking about Arthur.”
“Arthur kissed you? ” Gwen repeated, falling back into the slight slur of the recently awakened. “That’s nice. ”
“No it’s not,” Merlin corrected immediately. “It’s terrible.” There was another long pause.
“Oh… that would explain the swearing, ” she said. “Why is it terrible? ”
“Because I’m in love with him,” Merlin explained, aware that he was not making much sense, but sense was not really the most important thing in his mind at that point.
“Mmhm, ” Gwen murmured. “I still can’t see the terrible part. ”
“And he’s straight,” Merlin continued, “and now he knows that I’m in love with him and, aargh.We…”
“Merlin? ” she asked.
“Oh fuck it all to hell,” he muttered.
“What aren’t you telling me? ” she asked curiously down the line.
“I… we…” Merlin groaned. “We had sex, Gwen. I bloody well went and bloody slept with him and now I’ve screwed everything up.”
“You and Arthur had sex?” she asked. “But he’s straight. ”
“I know!” Merlin groaned again. “That’s what I just said. “I slept with Arthur and he’s straight and it’s all fucked up!”
“But he can’t be straight if he slept with you, ” she reasoned.
“He’s straight, Gwen,” Merlin repeated, “I walked in on him and Morgana often enough to know that.”
“Oh… yes, ” she said, and Merlin knew she had done something similar herself several times. “Well, maybe he’s bi. ”
“And maybe the Pope’s a Buddhist,” Merlin said sarcastically. “I know Arthur, Gwen. He’s a prat. A selfish bastard and he’ll go for anything if he thinks it’s interesting. I love him, but he’s completely self-absorbed.” He paused. “He’s the kind of person who’ll think something idly and then do it just because he can. He found out I’m gay and he wanted to find out if he could… He just wanted to prove that he could do it if he wanted to. It was just sodding curiosity, Gwen, and I can’t do it anymore.”
“Merlin… maybe you’re being a little hard on him, ” Gwen said slowly, but she did not sound convinced.
“Stop playing devil’s advocate,” Merlin told her, taking a deep breath. “You know what he’s like as well as I do. Just like Morgana. I’m not saying they’re not good people, it’s just, they like to get their own way. They like to be the centre of attention and if they aren’t, they’ll do anything to get back there.”
“Perhaps you should calm down a bit, and think this through…” Gwen said, pleading. “Talk to Arthur at least, ask him what it was about. ”
“I already know what it was about,” Merlin replied.
“Did he tell you that? ” she asked.
“No, but…”
“Then you don’t know, ” she insisted. “I think you should just talk to him. Don’t do anything stupid. Not that I think you would… but just in case. ”
“I can’t do it anymore, Gwen,” he said with a sigh.
“Talk to him, Merlin, ” she insisted. “I’ll see you later. ” Then she hung up and he was left alone in his hotel suite in the dark, the memory of Arthur still echoing on his body.
“Right...” he said, nodding to himself.
That was when the knock came at the door.
He crossed over to open it without even thinking, still trying to think of some explanation that made sense for what had just happened.
Arthur was standing on the other side of the door. He looked more than a little confused.
“Oh God,” Merlin said. Arthur’s hair was still a bit of a mess and honestly, he wondered why the make-up people spent two hours trying to give him that look of just fucked fuckability when all they really had to do was wait for him to sleep with someone and then drag him out of bed. Maybe Merlin was biased, though, because Arthur’s hair wasn’t perfectly mussed, a clump just above his right temple stood to attention, and his right cheek was vividly red where he had been lying on it.
“Merlin… ” Arthur began. Merlin had a sudden moment of premonition, not that he believed in those things but, as Arthur was opening his mouth he knew how it was all going to go. Arthur was going to pass it off as something that people did every now and then, and Merlin would laugh and go along with it. Then they would go to the set and have the lunchtime meetings about the DVD commentary, the evening phone calls would come about the poster session, or a possible photo shoot with third world children with cancer and reading difficulties who were virtuoso piano players or some such thing. Everything would be normal and so it would continue.
Merlin would feed Arthur and clothe Arthur and take phone calls for Arthur and generally run his life and he would always be waiting for it to happen again because it had happened once, so there was always a possibility – right? And maybe it would happen again, but in between there’d be all the Sophias and the Morganas… oh right, not the Morganas, because there wasn’t anyone else like Morgana in the entire world. But there would be women and possibly men if Arthur had decided he was bi after all. He would spend all his life waiting on Arthur bloody Pendragon and he would never have a fucking life of his own and…
But the sex had been good, mind-blowing good. Admittedly, there had been fumbling and Arthur had fallen out of bed that one time… and Merlin had whacked his head against the wall and it had been fast and messy and he had had to explain how things worked, but it had been him and Arthur… He knew that there was a bite mark on his left hip, and he could feel the memory of Arthur’s mouth and fingers tingling down his body.
He shook his head, to throw the sensation off. Will was right, not that he would ever say that to his face, but his life had turned into an extension of Arthur’s and he was sick of it.
“I don’t think we were…” Arthur continued, but Merlin interrupted him quickly, the words spurting out of him before he could over think.
“I quit,” he said.
“…Finishe… what?” Arthur broke off and stared at him, looking utterly flabbergasted for the first time in all the years Merlin had known him.
“I quit, Arthur. Thanks… for the job and… everything, but I can’t do this anymore. Sorry. I… have to go. I’ll work the rest of the week if you want me to.” Merlin gritted his teeth at the thought, standing around, talking at Arthur, smiling at Arthur.
“You’re resigning?” Arthur asked.
“That’s what the words ‘I quit’ usually mean,” Merlin said, trying to avoid Arthur’s eyes as they stared at him, still cloudy in confusion.
“Why?” Merlin opened his mouth, but no sound came out for a moment. He paused, to take a deep breath before trying again.
“Because… Arthur. I’m not here to be your fuck buddy,” he said. He wanted to say a lot more. Like tell Arthur that he was hopelessly and terribly in love with him, in the way that teenage girls who watched his films would go home and dream about. He wanted to tell him that he had imagined that moment for years, the two of them suddenly reaching for each other. There were so many words tumbling over in his mind. He wanted to tell Arthur what a complete prat he was, but that it was okay, because he was stupid enough to love him anyway or maybe because of the prattishness, and that he loved him in a way that made him angry, and sad and fucking irate some days.
But he didn’t say any of it, because he still had a little bit of pride, even if he had spent the previous night on his back with his legs spread, begging. There was also the fact that he was not an enormous girl, no matter what Will said, and the fact that he had been around the film industry long enough to hate clichés, and yelling out an admission of love in a hotel room after a night of meaningless (on one side, at least) sex was too big a cliché even for him.
He slammed the door in Arthur’s face and told himself that crying was a bad idea because girls cried and Merlin was unequivocally not a girl – as had been very much proven the night before, thank you very much. So he did not cry, not even a little bit. Then, when he had not cried for a good few seconds, although there had been a few moments of broken breathing – because he was angry damn it! He grabbed his phone and he called Will.
“Morning sunshine,” Will answered, sounding like he was probably just about to have a killer hangover. Part of Merlin hoped that it hurt like hell, because somehow, someway, this was all his sodding fault.
“I quit,” he said quietly. “Just now.” There was a moment of stunned silence, but Merlin couldn’t quite tell which end of the line was more stunned.
“You what? ” Will asked, the slur of alcohol gone from his voice.
“I quit.”
“Wait a minute, wait a minute… how? ” Will said, “Let’s just skip back to before that, okay and talk me through what the hell you were thinking. ”
“Does it even matter?” Merlin asked, not wanted to go into that with Will of all people. “You told me I should quit. You’ve been telling me for three years that I should quit. Now I’ve done it. That’s that, end of story… happy?”
“Are you? ”
“Just come and pick me up, you prick. I told Arthur I’d finish out the week, but I don’t think he’s going to want me to after I just chewed him out.”
“You yelled at Arthur? ”
“Come and pick me up and I’ll tell you on the way. You don’t have work this morning, right?”
“I’ll take it off, ” Will said blithely. “I’ll be there in an hour, and you are telling me everything, Merlin. Understand? Everything.”
“I’ll meet you out front.” Merlin told him, before hanging up.
It took a depressingly short time for Merlin to pack all the things he wanted up. His entire life had been cut down to what he could carry in two (or possibly three) bags for the past three years, and that tended to help avoid clutter. He left the files containing Arthur’s entire life, after all the moron was going to need some kind of indicator of where to go when, and he left, a little regretfully, the Arthur doll Gwen had given him, with the pins still stuck into him. He tried to remind himself not to feel upset.
It was just a hotel room, after all, not a home; it was just a job.
He refused to look back one last time before he opened the door and shuffled out into the corridor with his two bags and his oversized comedy coat, as Arthur had taken to calling it. He just wanted to get out of there and avoid ever seeing Arthur again. Not that that would be possible – the problem with falling into tragic unrequited love with a film star was their face was everywhere. But if he could leave without seeing the man in person, that would be a start.
Apparently Arthur felt no such compunctions, though. He was sitting with his back against his door, knees drawn up to his chest, staring down at his hands in bemusement. Merlin could tell from the way his hair still stuck up and the creases in his t-shirt that he had been out there since their one sided conversation earlier.
“So, you’re really going then,” the star said, without looking up.
“Yes.”
“Right… well,” Arthur pushed himself upright. “Good luck. I’ll send you your references.”
“Worst personal assistant ever,” Merlin hazarded, risking a smile, but Arthur still didn’t look at him, and it slowly fell.
“Something like that…” They paused for a moment, Arthur staring at the artistic watercolour of a field on the opposite wall and Merlin trying desperately to come up with some way of saying goodbye.
In the end he settled with holding out the overstuffed Date book, which he had been using to run Arthur’s life. He coughed slightly under his breath and waited for the blond to reluctantly take it.
“You’ve got to get to filming in thirty minutes, you know,” he said, awkwardly. “And I’ve planned everything I can in that. The next guy, or girl… maybe you’ll want a change, I don’t know. They should be able to figure everything out, and Gwen and Gaius can usually understand my short hand if they get confused. Just make sure you don’t get someone who’ll pander to your every whim, okay?”
“Merlin…”
“Right, I’m an idiot,” he filled in the blanks with a wonky smile. “Tell Morgana good bye and… remember not to miss your appointment with your father. He’ll flay me alive if you miss it, whether I work for you or not.”
“Like I’d miss that,” Arthur said, actually glancing over at him for a split second before flinching away. “Right… well you’d better go, hadn’t you?”
“Uh, yeah,” Merlin checked his watch. “Will’ll be waiting.”
“Will?” Arthur’s head snapped round, his blue eyes fixing on Merlin with an intensity that was increased by the fact that he had barely been looking at him before. For a second Merlin’s mind flashed back to the previous night, but the harsh glare of Arthur’s eyes in daylight was a far cry from the look of them in the dim light the night before.
“Yeah, I called him for a lift.”
“Of course you did…” Arthur sounded like he was going to say more, but he cut himself off, returning to staring off at the picture.
“Anyway… thanks,” Merlin stood awkwardly for another second, then in a rush, Arthur stuck out his hand. Gratefully his ex personal assistant took it and they shook, short and firm.
“Don’t do anything stupid, alright,” Arthur warned him.
“Same to you,” Merlin shot back, pulling back his hand before he ignored Arthur’s words and gave him a goodbye kiss or something. “See you around.”
“Yeah,” Arthur replied, even though there was no way they would. With the exception of seeking each other out, their lives would not exactly coincide.
*
Will was waiting in the lobby, reading a pamphlet on one of the many wonderful attractions in the nearby area. He didn’t seem that impressed.
“Let’s go,” Merlin said, in lieu of a greeting. His childhood friend started, not having heard him come up behind him, before turning to look at him with a searching gaze that only someone who had known you your entire life could give.
“You okay?”
“We’ll talk about it in the car,” Merlin said, as blankly as he could manage. Will did not even question him, which was the most bizarre thing he had ever encountered. There was nothing there but worry and sympathy. It was wrong, as though someone had put their friendship (his life) in a snowstorm and shaken it up until everything was the wrong way round. Will was the friend he fucked on occasion, Arthur was the standoffish one and he would never, in a million years, quit his job.
But he had.
The car was nearby and as he was getting into it, his phone rang.
“Merlin… tell me you didn’t…” Gwen’s voice said down the line. “What happened? What did Arthur say? ”
“Gwen… I’m sorry, I have to go.”
“You don’t have to do anything, Merlin, ” she told him earnestly down the phone. “These things can sort themselves out. ”
“Don’t you think it’s a little beyond that?” Merlin asked, sliding into the passenger seat and clicking his seatbelt into place as Will turned the ignition.
“Look, Arthur likes you, you know he does. He actually treated you like a human being. ”
“When he felt like it.”
“Well… he is Arthur, ” Gwen allowed, “oh… I’ve got to go, Morgana’s calling me. I’ll talk to you later, alright? ”
“Sure, Gwen.” Merlin allowed, listening as she hung up the phone, but keeping his own glued to his ear for a few moments, trying to delay the inevitable.
“What the fuck happened?” Will asked, before the phone was even at Merlin’s shoulder. “What did he do?”
“I slept with him,” Merlin said simply, “and then I couldn’t do it any more.” That took the wind out of Will’s sails. He blinked rapidly for a moment, and Merlin could practically hear the cogs whirring in his brain. Any second now the question ‘was he any good?’ would come out of his mouth.
“Well that was a damn fool thing to do…” Will announced, going completely off script and leaving Merlin struggling to keep up.
“It’s not like I was intending to sleep with him…” he protested. “He was just there.”
“Like me, then?” Will asked, sounding surprisingly catty for someone who had rejected all possible connections of effeminacy with being gay.
“What…?” Merlin asked, opening his mouth and shutting it again over and over, as though he was gaping for air. “Will, I never... You were never… When did this become about us?”
“Never mind, Merlin.” Will said with a shake of his head. “You’re a prat, you know that?”
“I thought Arthur was the prat…” Merlin said slowly.
“Well, maybe you both are. Must be why you’re so perfect for each other.”
“Will. ”
“Fine, I’ll shut up, but you’re still an idiot.”
***
Final Part
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no subject
Date: 2009-03-16 01:21 am (UTC)When Merlin really need to talk he doesn't want to!!
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Date: 2009-12-05 07:34 pm (UTC)I absolutely adore this fic! You write so bloody well! Oh Merlin! Just talk to Arthur! I know hes a prat and all but .... oh I'll just go read the last part and see it all worked out (at least it BETTER be worked out!)
Arent they just the cutest couple ever?!
no subject
Date: 2010-04-14 04:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-14 01:53 pm (UTC)Arthur just leaning in and kissing Merlin was totally unfair. No talking, no interlude, no declarations of forever? What did he think Merlin was going to do? Take what he was given and be thrilled and wake up and go back to being the worst PA in the history of PA's? It's no wonder Merlin's spun, but why just bail? Why not call the prat on being selfish and taking advantage instead of calling Will? It's all incredibly entertaining though i want to knock their heads together.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-02 03:10 pm (UTC)Poor Arthur, Will is awesome. Poor Arthur how will he ever trust anyone when everyone around him is stupid.
I need to go and read the next one, hopefully there will be less pain there.
Ugh
Thanks for sharing.
no subject
Date: 2012-08-14 03:14 am (UTC)